How Much Do I Love Him?
By Caryn Burdine
The number one commandment above all else is to love the Lord our God with all our heart and soul and mind. We, as Christians, claim to love God, but do we really love him enough?
When I was going through my trial of separation, the despair and pain I felt for the loss of the marriage was overwhelming. There were times when I would have done anything just to have my husband return. I forgot about any problems we might have had in the marriage and any fears or insecurities of the past were tucked in the recesses of my mind. My identity had been in the marriage, and I was willing to forego anything to have that identity returned. But then God asked me a question -- a question that changed the entire outlook on the position of priority my marriage had taken in my life.
One morning, as I wallowed in my losses, trying desperately to figure out a way to bring my husband home, God spoke clearly and plainly to my broken heart.
"How much do you love me, Caryn?"
"Lord, I love you with all my soul."
He continued. "How much do you love your marriage?"
"Lord, I would do anything to restore this marriage," I answered honestly.
It was then that He hit me with the hard question. "Do you love your marriage more than you love Me?" Would you give up your relationship with Me for the sake of your marriage?"
I knew in that instant where God was taking our conversation, and I also knew that He was giving me a choice...an incredible, life-altering, attitude-altering, thought-altering choice.
In spite of my love and commitment to our Lord, I could picture myself standing beside Peter at the rooster's third crow witnessing the reality of my weakness. As Peter's claim that he would never deny Jesus, my instant reaction was also one of defense.
A scene played out in my mind as I tried to grasp the reality -- and significance -- of what the Lord was asking of me. If my husband came to me and asked me to give up my love for Jesus in order to restore our marriage, would I do it? After all, I had proclaimed I would do anything to save this marriage.
My answer was NO. The reality of the Living Lord in my life was worth more than my marriage. I could not give up what I knew to be truth. It was at that time, and in that realization, God was placed back to His rightful place of priority in my life. It was then and there He became the true Lord of my life, and at that time I forsook all else to grab hold of Him in faith and trust.
As Abraham had to do with his promised son, Isaac, I laid my marriage on the altar of sacrifice and took hold of the greater prize.
Things in life change continuously, and I wish I could say this particular decision was one thing that remained a constant with me. But here I am, five years after my husband's return, and God has posed the same question to me -- again.
"How much do you love me, Caryn?"
The circumstances are not much different this time around. I have been caught up in unmet needs, unfulfilled desires, and unfounded expectations. I have found myself looking, once again, to this life for an identity...longing for change, not only in myself, but also in others.
How much do I love Him? Do I love Him enough to trust? Do I love Him enough to believe that I am in this place for His purpose? Do I love Him enough to let it all go and seek only Him?
It does not matter what circumstances I may face, what fears may assault me, or even what expectations may lie unfulfilled. There is one question that will always change my perspective and re-align my priorities. There is one question that must always be placed first, before I linger on the disappointments and discouragements.
"How much do I love Him?"
Copyright 2002 Caryn Burdine