DISTANT
REFLECTIONS
I stood in the mirror and
reflected on the image that stared back.
What a journey we’ve traveled!
No longer did I see the fears and insecurities that were once
an intricate part of the reflection.
The face in the mirror was now surrounded by an aura of peace
and joy.
Traveling
down memory lane, I remembered the angry, bitter girl that had once
occupied this temporary frame. She
was at war with the world, and she blamed God for allowing her
existence to collapse through the divorce of her parents.
The teenage years were lived with the attitude that life was
indebted to her for the heartache she had endured.
Oh, what distant memories occupied my mind as I recounted the
choices that girl in the mirror had made.
The teen
years and early adulthood were spent in blame - blaming God and others
for their misgivings. My
way was THE way! I lived
in a fantasy by manipulating every situation imaginable so that I
would be in control. The
walls I had built were to protect me from any more hurt. They were
impenetrable….or so I thought.
Still
looking at my reflection, I am now thanking God for the collapse of my
walls and for the trials and lessons that have given me the security
that accompanies this peace and joy which now fill my life.
How many times do we say to ourselves, “If only I
hadn’t…”?
Walking away
from the image in the mirror, I shook myself from those memories of
“if only.” Had
I not gone through my trials, I would not be who I am today.
God knew ahead of time every path that I would choose to take.
Going through the trials of my life -- and making the choice to
change -- harvested an entirely new and fulfilling experience for my
life. And looking back, I
can now see that God’s purpose prevailed through it all.
The choices
I had made became the building blocks of my character. I had chosen to
remain angry and bitter. I
had chosen to allow the actions and attitudes of others to infiltrate
my emotions and determine my worth.
Everything was centered on me -- what I wanted.
Hence, when the walls toppled, I was faced with the reality of
my humanness.
The real me
was hidden somewhere in the rubble, and it was time to choose a new
path and restore the lasting qualities of integrity that my life had
lacked. How I praise
God for finding me in the rubble!
I had always considered myself
a caring, loving person. However,
it was a selfish love -- a human love.
This love was only as consistent as my feelings: contingent on
the circumstances and expecting a return. It was dependent on the
responses of others.
As God exposed His love to me
-- unconditional, forgiving, and holding no expectations -- the human
love was left behind in the rubble of my fallen walls.
Life used to
be one big competition for personal value.
He who hurts first won’t get hurt.
Whoever remained on top was the winner.
However, in the rubble, I realized that my individuality came
from God alone. Christ not
only died for me, but for the entire world.
I had a purpose through Him, but I was a mere limb connected to
the living body. We are
all to work together for the common good.
When I didn’t carry my fair share, others were affected.
Also left in
the rubble were the negative emotions and attitudes that once ruled my
life. As I rebuilt my
character, I applied God’s teachings to my daily circumstances, thus
producing the fruit of His character.
Peace, understanding, forgiveness and patience are the meters
that help me walk in constant reliance on Him.
I no longer
seek control, but have allowed the Master to guide my steps.
He alone fills the void. He
alone knows the paths of my life and the purposes of my future.
And through this release, I have given others the freedom to be
what God has ordained in their lives.
These
distant reflections fill my soul with praise and thanksgiving as I am
a new creation through Jesus Christ.
I cannot dwell in the past, but the memories go with me --
continually reminding me that the old life is a life that desires no
return.
© 1999 Caryn Burdine