Dealing With Adultery (cont.)
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How I Deal with Adultery (cont.) # 3 "WHAT YOU SAY TO YOURSELF GREATLY EFFECTS THE WAY YOU FEEL AND INTERACT WITH OTHERS." Your husband's feelings about himself have led him to do and say some horrible things to you. And his actions have made you feel bad about yourself now. Try to remember that HE was the one who made poor choices - not you. HIS choices make HIM look like a fool - not you. HE is the one who didn't have the strength to be honorable right from the start - not you. HE is radiating his weakness - not you. Do you see where I'm going with this? It is your husband who should feel "less" - not you. When you married, yes, you became "one" in God's eyes, but you still remained "two free wills." Your husband's free will allowed him to plummet - but you don't HAVE to join him. HIS bad behavior is no reflection of who YOU are inside. You are not responsible for another's behavior - you did not force him to act dishonorably - so don't let your self-worth take a nosedive about what HE'S done. It was not that YOU were not worth anything to him, it was that his integrity and honor were not worth anything to him. Try to look past the feelings of him rejecting YOU and instead see that he really failed himself. I repeat - IT WAS NOT ABOUT YOU, IT WAS ABOUT HIM!!!!! Now, in that same respect, the way you treat him and feel about him will be a reflection of YOU, and about what's inside of you. Contrary to modern beliefs, Love is NOT a feeling. Love is a choice - we can CHOOSE to love, or we can CHOOSE to hate, be angry, be resentful, whatever - it's all in the power of your mind. AND IT IS A HARD CHOICE!!! No one is telling you that it's easy, but it can be done with some effort. #4 "SELF WORTH COMES FROM THE SELF. IT CANNOT BE VERIFIED BY OTHERS. YOU ARE WORTHY BECAUSE YOU SAY IT IS SO. IF YOU DEPEND ON OTHERS FOR YOUR VALUE, IT'S 'OTHER-WORTH.'" "YOU MUST LOVE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CAN LOVE OTHERS." As for your self-esteem, right now you must rely on yourself to feel better about you, NOT HIM or his treatment of you. Again, you've probably heard this advice before, as I had - but I thought it was too silly or not good enough to help me before I even tried it. Then I realized I had nothing to lose. Try saying self-affirmations out loud to yourself EVERY DAY - morning, noon, and night!!! If you can't remember to do this at first, tape little reminders on your bathroom mirror, your refrigerator, and your pillow. Pretend you're studying for a test - the more you repeat something, the sooner you will learn it (see quote #1). Pick out at least 5 qualities or things you like about yourself, write them down, and keep this list with you until you have it memorized. (I started out with things like "I'm beautiful on the inside, I'm a good mother to my doges," etc). Now everyday, repeat each one of the things on your list out loud a couple of times each. It will ABSOLUTELY feel goofy and embarrassing at first, BUT IT WORKS - and then it gets easier. Then try saying them while looking at yourself in a mirror - this is hard to do for many, but when we can start to face who we REALLY ARE, it opens up doors to allow change (why would we change something about ourselves if we don't even notice or acknowledge it NEEDS changing?) We start to accept the "not-so-wonderful" parts of ourselves (in this case, I'm referring to our OWN behaviors that contribute to our low self-esteem) while learning to focus on the "quite lovely" aspects of our character instead. |
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I don't think there's a specific
time-frame in which you'll start to feel better - it's different
for everybody - but keep doing it until it starts to work - AND
IT WILL. Then when you start to internalize your five things,
and you start to feel better about yourself, you'll notice NEW
things you like about yourself - then you make a NEW list of 5
things and start repeating the NEW affirmations. You're creating
a cycle of positive thinking about yourself - each good feeling
toward yourself nurtures another good feeling toward yourself.
When you feel good inside, your attitude will be more easy-going
and you won't feel as much anger towards your husband or anyone
else. Even better, if you're a Christian, is to pray the Word of God OUT LOUD, inserting your own name into various scriptures. We should pray out loud because God SPOKE things into being (Gen. 1 - the creation story) so should we. Also, since "faith comes by hearing" (Rom. 10:17), as we pray out loud and hear ourselves, it only increases our faith (belief) in the truth or reality of what we're saying. The Bible says about the Word of God: Isaiah 55:11 So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth; It will not return to Me empty [without producing any effect, useless], Without accomplishing what I desire, And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it. So, if you pray the Word of God, you will "call into existence that which did not exist before" (Rom. 4:17). For example, you could say, "Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? [Your name] is worth more than precious rubies (Prov. 31:10). [Your name] is clothed with strength and dignity, and she smiles at the future (Prov. 31:25). [Your name] can do all things through Christ who strengthens her (Phil. 4:13). God will wipe every tear from [Your name's] eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain (Rev. 21:4). And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard [Your name's] heart and mind in Christ Jesus (Phil. 4:7). THE LIST GOES ON!!! Find scriptures that apply to you, and...well...APPLY THEM!!!! Another way to feel better about yourself is to purposely do things that you used to enjoy. At first, I stopped enjoying life because I was consumed by my situation and my pain. But I started to force myself to go out or do things that I used to enjoy, like taking walks, reading, etc. And yet another way to change to positive thinking (when you're a positive thinker, you tend to focus more on the good things in your life, and less on the bad - thus, less anger about what your husband has done, and more "Yahoo!! Look at me!! - I'm worthy regardless of how he's treated me!!"), is to keep a "positive" journal. Put a notebook and a pen next to your bed, and every single night before you go to sleep, write 5-10 things in your journal that you were grateful for that day. At first it was hard, but eventually what I found myself doing during the day was paying attention and actually LOOKING for the little things that brought any kind of joy, or even just relief to me...JUST so I'd be able to have something to write in that journal. Before I knew it, I was CREATING situations or things to be grateful for just to have something to write!! Now, even with all that's going on, I can probably write at least 20-30 things a day. Read More -> |
