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Seeking
God/Love/Marriage//Forgiveness/Christian
Living/What
Can I do?/God's
Promises |
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| ** Although written from a female's
perspective, the principles below pertain to either gender and can be
applied in countless situations, not just that of adultery.
#1 "HEALTHY THINKING IS A HABIT, JUST LIKE NEUROTIC THINKING IS A HABIT, AND HEALTHY HABITS ARE LEARNED IN THE SAME WAY AS UNHEALTHY ONES -- THROUGH PRACTICE" #2 "DEVELOPING YOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL STRENGTH IS JUST LIKE DEVELOPING YOUR PHYSICAL ABILITIES -- THE MORE YOU EXERCISE, THE STRONGER YOU BECOME." How do I deal with the anger? To be honest, I can tell you that you will probably have to work at it daily to keep it in check - or at least until "feeling more at ease" becomes a habit or a way of life and you no longer need to think about it consciously. Unfortunately, there's no magical "fix" that will solve it in a "one shot" deal. You need to accept that this IS going to hurt for a while, but with some work on your part, you CAN overcome it - that's life - struggles and victories. Something you may or may not have heard before, but that I can assure you is absolutely true, is when you don't like someone or something, ACT as though you do and the feelings will follow. Believe me, I did not like my husband when I discovered he was cheating on me, but I've ACTED like I liked him. And now I do. In fact, I have fallen more in love with him than I ever thought was possible under such circumstances. # 2 "WHAT YOU SAY TO YOURSELF GREATLY EFFECTS THE WAY YOU FEEL AND INTERACT WITH OTHERS." Your husband's feelings about himself have led him to do and say some horrible things to you. And his actions have made you feel bad about yourself now. Try to remember that HE was the one who made poor choices - not you. HIS choices make HIM look like a fool - not you. HE is the one who didn't have the strength to be honorable right from the start - not you. HE is radiating his weakness - not you. Do you see where I'm going with this? It is your husband who should feel "less" - not you. When you married, yes, you became "one" in God's eyes, but you still remained "two free wills." Your husband's free will allowed him to plummet - but you don't HAVE to join him. HIS bad behavior is no reflection of who YOU are inside. You are not responsible for another's behavior - you did not force him to act dishonorably - so don't let your self-worth take a nosedive about what HE'S done. It was not that YOU were not worth anything to him, it was that his integrity and honor were not worth anything to him. Try to look past the feelings of him rejecting YOU and instead see that he really failed himself. I repeat - IT WAS NOT ABOUT YOU, IT WAS ABOUT HIM!!!!! Now, in that same respect, the way you treat him and feel about him will be a reflection of YOU, and about what's inside of you. Contrary to modern beliefs, Love is NOT a feeling. Love is a choice - we can CHOOSE to love, or we can CHOOSE to hate, be angry, be resentful, whatever - it's all in the power of your mind. AND IT IS A HARD CHOICE!!! No one is telling you that it's easy, but it can be done with some effort. #3 "SELF WORTH COMES
FROM THE SELF. IT CANNOT BE VERIFIED BY OTHERS. YOU ARE WORTHY
BECAUSE YOU SAY IT IS SO. IF YOU DEPEND ON OTHERS FOR YOUR VALUE, IT'S
'OTHER-WORTH.'" As for your self-esteem, right now you must rely on yourself to feel better about you, NOT HIM or his treatment of you. Again, you've probably heard this advice before, as I had - but I thought it was too silly or not good enough to help me before I even tried it. Then I realized I had nothing to lose. Try saying self-affirmations out loud to yourself EVERY DAY - morning, noon, and night!!! If you can't remember to do this at first, tape little reminders on your bathroom mirror, your refrigerator, and your pillow. Pretend you're studying for a test - the more you repeat something, the sooner you will learn it (see quote #1). Pick out at least 5 qualities or things you like about yourself, write them down, and keep this list with you until you have it memorized. (I started out with things like "I'm beautiful on the inside, I'm a good mother to my doges," etc). Now everyday, repeat each one of the things on your list out loud a couple of times each. It will ABSOLUTELY feel goofy and embarrassing at first, BUT IT WORKS - and then it gets easier. Then try saying them while looking at yourself in a mirror - this is hard to do for many, but when we can start to face who we REALLY ARE, it opens up doors to allow change (why would we change something about ourselves if we don't even notice or acknowledge it NEEDS changing?) We start to accept the "not-so-wonderful" parts of ourselves (in this case, I'm referring to our OWN behaviors that contribute to our low self-esteem) while learning to focus on the "quite lovely" aspects of our character instead. I don't think there's a specific time-frame in which you'll start to feel better - it's different for everybody - but keep doing it until it starts to work - AND IT WILL. Then when you start to internalize your five things, and you start to feel better about yourself, you'll notice NEW things you like about yourself - then you make a NEW list of 5 things and start repeating the NEW affirmations. You're creating a cycle of positive thinking about yourself - each good feeling toward yourself nurtures another good feeling toward yourself. When you feel good inside, your attitude will be more easy-going and you won't feel as much anger towards your husband or anyone else. Even better, if you're a Christian, is to pray the Word of God OUT LOUD, inserting your own name into various scriptures. We should pray out loud because God SPOKE things into being (Gen. 1 - the creation story) so should we. Also, since "faith comes by hearing" (Rom. 10:17), as we pray out loud and hear ourselves, it only increases our faith (belief) in the truth or reality of what we're saying. The Bible says about the Word of God:
So, if you pray the Word of God, you will "call into existence that which did not exist before" (Rom. 4:17). For example, you could say, "Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? [Your name] is worth more than precious rubies (Prov. 31:10). [Your name] is clothed with strength and dignity, and she smiles at the future (Prov. 31:25). [Your name] can do all things through Christ who strengthens her (Phil. 4:13). God will wipe every tear from [Your name's] eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain (Rev. 21:4). And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard [Your name's] heart and mind in Christ Jesus (Phil. 4:7). THE LIST GOES ON!!! Find scriptures that apply to you, and...well...APPLY THEM!!!! Another way to feel better about yourself is to purposely do things that you used to enjoy. At first, I stopped enjoying life because I was consumed by my situation and my pain. But I started to force myself to go out or do things that I used to enjoy, like taking walks, reading, etc. And yet another way to change to positive thinking (when you're a positive thinker, you tend to focus more on the good things in your life, and less on the bad - thus, less anger about what your husband has done, and more "Yahoo!! Look at me!! - I'm worthy regardless of how he's treated me!!"), is to keep a "positive" journal. Put a notebook and a pen next to your bed, and every single night before you go to sleep, write 5-10 things in your journal that you were grateful for that day. At first it was hard, but eventually what I found myself doing during the day was paying attention and actually LOOKING for the little things that brought any kind of joy, or even just relief to me...JUST so I'd be able to have something to write in that journal. Before I knew it, I was CREATING situations or things to be grateful for just to have something to write!! Now, even with all that's going on, I can probably write at least 20-30 things a day. #4 "FORGIVENESS IS ME GIVING UP MY DESIRE TO HURT YOU FOR YOU HURTING ME." "FORGIVENESS IS A GIFT YOU GIVE YOURSELF." When someone hurts us, we have a tendency to want that person to suffer as "payment" for the pain they've caused us. We get angry, we grow bitter, and our hearts harden toward that person - we may find it hard to be "loving" until that person makes up for what they've done - we've been wronged and we want justice!! However, we fail to realize that whenever we nurse resentments or grudges, it never "pays" that person back, it only keeps us a prisoner of that very pain "fresh" within us and able to hurt us at any given moment, whereas forgiveness diminishes the power of that pain and sets us free from being held captive by it. This is not to say you will just "forget" what happened, but it just won't "pack the same punch." You're dealing with choices again - forgiveness is a choice, not something that just happens. When you CHOOSE to forgive, you are choosing to consciously let go of the pain. Just as choosing to LOVE the offender is a hard choice, so is forgiving the offender - especially when that person does not apologize or act remorseful, or even worse, when they repeat the offense. But nevertheless, it's a choice and it requires mental work on your part. You might wonder why it's worth it - it's worth it because YOU are the one who suffers from not forgiving. Above all else, do it for the peace you will give yourself. First, I asked myself if I wanted to keep hurting about this forever - I didn't! So, I consciously decided that I wanted to learn how to forgive. The way I started to forgive my husband was to let him down off his pedestal. I had to tell myself that he's a human being and human beings make mistakes. He's faulty, GREAT! - so am I... so are you, so is everyone. I may not have made the same mistake he made, but I've certainly made mistakes that have hurt him, too. Then I thought about how much I was hurting because of my husband's actions, and I asked myself if I really wanted to be the one to cause pain for someone else - I didn't! I wanted to be a better person than that. So, I gave up my notions of wanting to "get even" or get revenge on him. I still must remind myself of these things on a daily basis - forgiveness is a continuing effort. #5 "AN UNHEALED BREACH IS A MAGNIFICENT OPPORTUNITY FOR THE DEVIL TO SOW DISSENSION." Someone needs to start the healing process - pray for God to give YOU the graciousness to take the first step to make matters right. Pride is often what stands between you and forgiveness. Think about it - do you want to heal or do you want your pride? Before you go pointing fingers at others for offending you, think about what others may suffer because of you. Remember that whoever or whatever has shaped who you are today does not excuse you from the responsibility of becoming who you ought to be. And finally, give of yourself. Nothing cheers you up more than cheering someone else up. © 1999 Leanne Nava
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