Choosing to Change: Finding New Fulfillment in Relationships
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All around us relationships are
failing: husbands/wives, parents/children, and friends/friends.
Something is lacking. Commitment? Maybe. But when I found myself
losing out in my own relationships, I had to look at some deeper
issues. I tried to blame others for the failings, but ultimately
the responsibility was mine. My discoveries were very
enlightening. It wasn't everyone else who had the problem. The
answer was found deep within my own character. I could not
expect others to change -- I had to change. “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Romans 12:2). Sincere change is a long, painful process. However, the results are freeing and fulfilling. My entire character -- attitudes and perceptions -- has been regenerated, and the rewards have filled voids I didn’t even know I’d had. In my journey, I found that negative characteristics -- and negative outlooks -- produced negative lives. People are continually looking for fulfillment, yet they can’t quite place a finger on what’s missing. Incredibly enough, the answers are universal -- much like the problems. There were seven major changes that impacted my life. ALL were under my control, and ALL had a positive affect on others. Perhaps they will encourage you in your search for lasting peace and ultimate fulfillment in your relationships. 1) Be the first to change. For years I thought, “Why should I be the first to change? Why can’t he/she change first? They’re the ones with the problem!” In this mindset, I was allowing others to subtly control my life. When my attitudes and actions are based on another’s actions, I get caught in a game of spiral tag. It wears me out trying to figure out the motives and moves of another. I had to stop worrying about what others were doing or saying. By recognizing the traits in my own personality that could be changed, I was able to make the necessary step. I was easily angered, so I practiced self-control. I was a very jealous person, so I discovered qualities in myself that helped to boost my self-esteem. I concentrated on my strengths and abilities and gave myself value. I always wanted “more”, but as I looked around, I discovered how blessed I was for the things I did have. 2) Pray. When I prayed, my burdens were lifted and needed changes never before recognized were uncovered. I became more aware of my imperfections and accepted the forgiveness offered. Just knowing that I was not alone supplied the strength I needed to persevere. Prayer released my guilt and replaced it with God’s peace. |
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3)
Lower your expectations.
Most of my disappointments in life come from my expectations of
others. Expectations are hard to recognize, but we will always
be let down when others fail to meet our assumptions of a
circumstance. I evaluated my emotions and became able to
recognize when my negative side exposed itself. Did I feel like
I had been let down by another? Or when I was wronged? Others
were not to blame when it was my expectations that were not met. 4) Stop blaming others. I alone am responsible for my own actions. My behavior was often based on another’s actions; therefore I held them responsible for my reactions. I stopped allowing others to determine my actions. I learned to be proactive instead of reactive. When I react, I usually do so with my emotions, and emotions are very unstable. My faults or shortcomings are not someone else’s responsibility, and theirs are not mine. So, I learned to think before I respond. 5) Focus on the positives. Too often I focused on the negatives of others. No one is perfect. But focusing on the negatives will subconsciously affect how we treat them. Negative emotions will produce negative actions. As I forced my focus on the positives of others, the things that I considered negative slowly dissipated. With practice, my entire perception had changed. The glass became half-full instead of half-empty. 6) Love unconditionally. (This one was especially hard for me!) I didn't always feel like loving others, even though I knew it was the right thing to do. However, I had to act upon what I knew was right instead of what I felt. Feelings are not always a valid determiner of circumstances. Right actions are not a result of right feelings, but right actions will produce the right feelings. So, whether I felt like it or not -- whether they deserved it or not -- I treated others with love. Eventually, the right feelings followed. 7) Stop manipulating and controlling. I like control. And I am good at manipulating circumstances for my benefit. However, whenever I used manipulation to gain control, the manipulation had to continue to hold the control. It becomes a vicious game, and the only thing to be gained is stress and disappointment. What do I win if it’s won unfairly? I let go of my grip on others and on situations, and I continually evaluate my motives. I relaxed, and I learned to let others be themselves, giving them space to grow. The journey of change is a process -- a constant awareness of the person that I am. Many times I failed, but I just kept on going. Starting over. Eventually, these strategies became a natural part of my life. The freedoms I have gained were worth the struggles, and my relationships are now honest and fulfilling.
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